Johnny has 25 years of experience producing major market morning shows . . . including legends "Rick Dees" and "Mark & Brian". He created Wise Brother Media because show prep of this caliber simply didn't exist. On a personal note: Johnny is the byproduct of an interracial teenage love affair. At 18, his beautiful French-Canadian mother developed a penchant for cheap tequila and ethnic trapeze artists. So every summer, foreign circuses would roll into town . . . and onto her. Sadly, Johnny doesn’t know the identity of his real father. His mommy gave him the last name "Vega". . . simply because she played the odds that it was the Mexican who impregnated her.
Bryan and Johnny met in 1994 at KLOS when Bryan was a young, impressionable USC student / morning show intern on the "Mark & Brian" show. Bryan never really fit in at USC because he wasn't a dweeby filmmaker, obnoxiously rich frat boy, or knife-wielding Heisman Trophy winner, so he spent nearly all of his free time creating Wise Brother Media. He graduated magna cum laude and turned down offers from major business consulting companies to fulfill his lifelong dream of building a business in the highly lucrative and widely-respected radio show prep industry. Bryan is the only outspoken conservative at Wise Brother, and his coworkers love it when he rattles on about the virtues of free market capitalism while they're trying to create comedy.
Don't let his anglo name fool you; he's actually got more ethnicities streaming through him than Ellis Island. When not forsaking his ancestry to simply make sales to "Whitey", Robert loiters in front of local junior colleges in a mustard yellow Impala with a Puerto Rican flag painted on the hood. You know, to impress the ladies. Due to a lack of physical affection in his formative years, Robert finds it necessary to uncomfortably hug anyone within reaching distance of his stone-like calloused right hand.
A loving husband and doting father, Charlie is The Complete Sheet's lyrical maestro. When not hunched over a keyboard, churning out FCC-friendly euphemisms for a woman's nether regions, Charlie spends his days in a futile attempt to convince anyone who listens that the Cleveland Browns are a professional sports franchise.
Nick would like to think his incessant whining at parties was solely responsible for getting Alice Cooper enshrined in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. He also hopes to live long enough to see Bruce Campbell accomplish the EGOT . . . which is to win an Emmy, a Grammy, an Oscar and a Tony. He is currently developing a religion based on the first three Blue Oyster Cult albums, and his dream is to referee a playful yet competitive lingerie pillow fight between Evangeline Lilly and Jennifer Love Hewitt.
Shhh. Hear that ticking sound? It's not your wall clock. It's the time bomb that is Lieutenant Mike. Trained in special ops, Lieutenant Mike had visions of slaughtering millions during the first Gulf war. Sadly, he was never deployed, forcing him to take his aggression out on run-on sentences, misspellings, and "lame" jokes. Behind that murderous glint in his eye, there's always the fear that he MIGHT snap and lay waste to all who have wronged him . . . but, for now, he's happy just being the nocturnal mystery man who everyone says hi to . . . then ducks.
Around the office, our resident celebrity impressionist is known as "The Man of 100 Voices." And also "Creepy." In fact, the only character he can't play is himself, deflecting questions about his personal life by looking down, kicking the dirt, and mumbling something about "I didn't mean to kill her." With 20 years of experience writing and producing for over 220 markets nationwide, T.J. got his start doing voices after taking a baseball bat to the head at full swing as a child. No kidding! His only regret: "If my brother had only stepped into the pitch, I might have been able to do Carson." These days T.J. sleeps in the woods and has an irrational fear of packaged meat. He believes wearing pants will cause you to lose your memory.
As the only Jewish person on the staff, Sam constantly handles the duel burdens of adding comedic credibility to the writing and making sure the company is able to always get lines of credit at low-usury rates. When he's not writing Stupid News or directing development (whatever that means?), Sam is a semi-bestselling published author (of the book "11 Points Guide to Hooking Up") and semi-worstselling male escort.
A proud graduate of Princeton, Ben was mainly hired to offset the collective IQ of the rest of the staff, which tests between 45 and 50, depending on the number of questions about fish sticks. Despite all his years spent in law and academia, Ben enjoys his current job at Wise Brother the most, if only because it's so much fun watching his Ivy League degree fade away every time he edits another Kardashian joke.
With her prestigious UCLA MBA degree, Mensa-level test scores, and loads of marketing experience with major corporations, we like to think Natasha puts the "Wise" in Wise Brother (of course we also like to think the purple goblin currently visible in the corner of the room is really there and not the product of decades of vicious hallucinogenic consumption). Despite her intimidating intellect, Natasha's as sociable as they get, never missing a chance to ask her mostly male co-workers how their day is going, what their weekend plans are, and would they please stop following her home at night.
AJ Lentini has been a valued employee of Wise Brother Media for eons, if not years. He's a comedy writer, editor, music writer and resident gladiola expert. AJ believes his work speaks for itself . . . although he often uses sock puppets. His resume is riddled with lies. Not this one, the one he sent to Taco King back in the day. Here's his credit card info: 4784-6877-8988-8710.
He couldn't be more Irish if he were handcuffed at a Boston sobriety checkpoint. Shawn is a mechanical genius who thoroughly enjoys three things . . . Marlboro Lights, hi-tech computers, and continued enhancements to the homemade tornado shelter in his backyard. He also likes to shuffle around the house shouting things like "Don Dokken was never appreciated as a true artist!" and "If you don't like being chained in the basement, you shouldn't have knocked on my door!" He believes the processed cheese industry controls the weather and Chunky is the soup of Satan.
It's not every day you meet an Ohio-born Mennonite with a blistering take on Hollywood. But then, it's not every day you peruse the bio section of a prep service, so hey . . . crazy times, huh? Eager to make up for a youth wasted on pigeon breeding and clog-offs, J.D. escaped to Northwestern University in Chicago, which exposed him to such insanity as electricity, paved roads and patterned clothing. Hungry for more, J.D. packed his horse buggy and headed to L.A., where he spends his days wading through the abyss of showbiz insanity . . . a job entirely incomprehensible to his people. Still, his parents are proud of him . . . they think.
Kristen graduated from Western Michigan University in early 2006, having absolutely no idea what she was getting herself into when she joined the Wise Brother crew immediately thereafter. But don't let that doe-eyed innocence trick you, pal. They raise 'em tough in the Midwest, which is why she spends her weekends either bow-hunting neighborhood cats or stenciling flames on the side of her ATV.
Looking at Shoe, you'd never know he's one of the best producers / sound designers in radio. Or maybe you would, and just don't give a crap. Either way, he's a prized member of our Delicious Audio team whose credentials span from Premiere Radio Networks to Sony Pictures to KROQ's "Kevin & Bean". Shoe's also an accomplished film composer who works under the alias "John Williams". Shoe wants us to mention he has a girlfriend, but let's be honest here. . . his name's "Shoe."
After graduating from UC Irvine with a pointless degree in literary journalism, Jackie worked her way to an associate editor position at the "Orange County Business Journal". But it wasn't until she found out that she could get paid to edit pointless "Stupid News" stories that she realized she'd stumbled upon her true calling. When not at work, Jacquelyn enjoys meeting strange men in foreign countries under the guise of being an amateur travel writer for TheJetPacker.com.
Shawn has slowly climbed the Wise Brother ladder, starting as the Stupid News writer's assistant and working his way up to becoming a full-on writer. Of course, he was once the vice president of a bank, so his career path really resembles a roller coaster more than a nice, straight, upward-sloping line. Shawn recently relocated his wife, five daughters, and six pets to North Carolina. He will telecommute. . . assuming the area eventually gets phone service.
We saved James for last hoping you wouldn't make it this far. Oh, well. James once held a magnifying glass over the likes of Britney Spears and Paris Hilton for "Us Weekly" and "In Touch" magazines, but grew frustrated when he learned celebs don't burst into flames like ants do. He moved on to more reputable glossies like "Esquire" and "Rolling Stone", but ultimately realized that his flair for inappropriate sex jokes worked best in radio. When not at work, he enjoys betting on high-stakes coin flips and performing frequent self-prostate exams. And yes, his photo makes us uncomfortable, too.
